I would have to say that in conventional terms my school career was not exactly up to standard. I left with very average marks and no idea who I was or what I wanted as a career…
There was however a drive in me to find out more about this feeling that I had (still have) inside of me. The feeling was basically saying that there is more to what I was being told about me.
In the time that I’ve been searching I’ve come across many people who have the same feeling. Actually nearly every person I’ve met. It was a feeling that I first recognized when I was living in Scotland my birth country. Not really sure of my age but it was before I was nine because that’s when I was brought out to South Africa.
I remember going to Sunday school and hearing stories about this amazing man who seemed to have such a lot of qualities that really touched me. It wasn’t like I was sitting there going “hmmm, I think one day I’d like his job” or “I want to be just like him” it was more a feeling inside of me that believed in unlimited possibilities. Like what he was doing was entirely possible and nothing special really. Any rate I admired this man.
One day we were told we were going to go into ‘big’ church. I was quite excited by this and looked forward to it. The day came and I remember walking through those doors and it hit me for the first time… “Something’s not right”
So later coming to South Africa I had the opportunity to go back to church and refused and I guess it was from then on that this feeling that I had really started to intrigue me.
School never taught me much about it.
I knew one thing though. That there seemed to be an inner ‘voice’ if you like, inside of me that was listening to everything that I was being taught, throwing out what wasn’t necessary for me and retaining what was. Like Maths. It was interesting to a point but there was just so much that I felt I didn’t need. So with lots of unhappiness from all around I eventually gave it up two years before I finished school.
Interestingly enough in my 36th year I visited a psychologist who told me that I should’ve been to see him when I was much younger, because I had passed his ADD test. All of a sudden everyone understood me. “Ah! That’s why he did so badly at school!” In a sense it gave me a label and reasons, and labels and reasons seem to make people comfortable. More about that later though.
…So with nowhere to go and no idea what decisions to make. I, without much choice, started living, trying to work things out.
Today it still puzzles me why two of the most dominant and profound things in our lives are hardly ever taught or explained in any way that might give us all an element of understanding. The mind and emotions.
In 1993, 4 years out of school and still no direction.. I came across a book called the Celestine Prophecy by a guy by the name of James Redfield. Something in me woke up big time when I read that book. It was like for the first time ever I was reading something that my inner ‘voice’ was just eating up and spitting nothing out. It was an amazing feeling. That’s when I first realised that what was really interesting me all along was me and people around me and, well, life. Not the life you find in a biology class or a science class but life as in this journey of experiences.
Ultimately, long story short it put me on a path into knowledge that no-one in my life to that point, had any inclination of.
At this time things were less than stable for me. What with no direction and no idea of who I was there was a lot of conflict going on. Inside me and out. There was something I needed to learn, to understand but whatever it was it was hitting up against the world I was raised in and things were getting very shaky. My family didn’t understand me. Even less because of all the feedback I suppose they’d got from my schooling. “Alan should be getting straight A’s. We think he just needs to work harder” “He doesn’t seem motivated” “Laziness…” Well I guess you’ve got to trust the experts...
So yeah it was rough. Conflict everywhere. During this time I started to become interested in the Native Americans. I was reading about a completely different perspective about them. Apart form the standard cowboys and Indians stuff that we got from the movies. The picture of Savages etc.
They seemed to be deeply respectful of their environment and of Life. The ‘voice’ was intrigued once again.
In about 1995 things had gotten out of control I was partying and getting drunk most nights. I felt completely disconnected from everyone and everything. At the time I had managed to keep a job down for about three years which in itself was a miracle considering how much I was partying. So I decided then that I needed to go home. Back to Scotland. It was like there was something there that I needed to go and get. It didn’t really make sense to me then either but then not much did.
So I quit my job and took my pension that I’d been paying into and left. I told myself I wasn’t coming back.
I arrived in Scotland met family I hadn’t seen since I was nine. Got a job in a bar and basically started a new life for myself. Controlled.
Now you have to understand, though all this was going on there were many people in my life that could see this other side of me. A lot of people considered me as being quite helpful and wise. Friends and complete strangers would tell me about their problems and although today I don’t really remember the specifics of what I told them it seemed to make a difference. Only thing is that every time I spoke to them it was like I was speaking to myself and I wasn’t much good at taking my own advice.
Things went well for a while.
You should picture me then. Long hair half way down my back, a hippy I guess some would say. Not drinking too much but smoking (yes that smoking) and it was good to be meeting new people who only knew me at that point in the present no past opinions to hinder me. It was like a fresh start. Along the way I had picked up a Native American choker that I wore constantly around my neck along with other sundry necklaces and bangles that were finding their way to me. I found myself wandering around bookshops looking in this ‘esoteric’ section that I never knew existed before. One book happened to catch my eye. It was about something called Runes. There was a pack that contained a book and a set of these clay disks with symbols on them. The feeling to buy these was really strong so I did. That night I went home and did my first Rune reading.
Today I can’t remember what that reading told me but I do remember that it was accurate to what I was feeling and to what was going on in my life. Now some might say that well you can read whatever you want into pretty much anything and I tend to agree but what was interesting for me was that these Runes seemed to be directing to me to a place in myself that already knew what was being said in the reading. This really intrigued me so I kept doing these readings more and more. More and more these reading were telling me things I already knew. It was all a bit of a paradox because at the same time I was so confused about everything and why things happened to me. The way I was reading them though was not to try to predict a future but more to get insight into what was really going in my life at that time. The reading would then put possible outcomes in front of me. Once again, outcomes that when I thought about it I could easily agree with.
After a while I started to experiment a bit so I started doing readings for others. Not for money or anything just because I wanted to see if they would work. It was amazing! The descriptions I was giving them from what the Runes were telling me also seemed to be accurate for them. I would ask them after if it felt like what I was saying was what a part of them already knew and every person agreed that it was.
So what was going on here? What were these Runes? Did they have some kind of Magical power?
Over the years I have used the Runes less and less to the point where I never use them anymore and only occasionally will I let others use them if they are interested. The reason for this is that, although this is my understanding, these Runes are what I have grown to call my ‘telephone to myself’. You see the more I read them the more I was being directed towards a part of me that was there all the time. That knew exactly what to do, even if it was really difficult. So today I don’t need the Runes to tune in to that part of me anymore I just do. Whether I listen and act on that depends on where I am in my life and well how, at times, courageous I am.
You see that’s what I’ve come to realize in my journey that I always have the answers I just don’t like some of them very much. That’s also what this blog is about. Learning to know which ‘voice’ to listen to amongst all the noise that goes on inside your head. It’s about redefining your understanding what you are and letting go of the grip that we have on what we think the truth is. Which truth? Your truth...
This blog is also about my learning from my life and the sharing of it with all of you in the hope that you can learn and I can continue to.
